Pastorally Speaking: Struggle today, strength tomorrow

Experiencing setbacks is an inevitable part of growing up, says Andy Woodward. But accepting and learning from adversity also allows children to grow and thrive. 

Convenient as it would be for this article, I can’t claim a hard-knock life. Friends and family alike would laugh me out of town if I attempted in print to put too gritty a spin on my comfortable Surrey roots. I grew up in a nice leafy place, I live in a nice leafy place and I work in a nice leafy place.

Yet, being honest, if I think of the experiences that inspired me towards any degree of societal usefulness, or moulded in me any good character I can claim, they are not generally the comfortable leafy ones, nor the ones I would have wanted beforehand to go through.

Often, they were things I would never have chosen to happen to me or those around me, like my father’s redundancy when I was 11, getting hit by a car when I was 13 or the serious illness my wife suffered when we were 30. Sometimes they were my bitterly regretted mistakes; the flunked GCSE, the bullying behaviour I joined in with, relieved not to be on the receiving end, or the dream job interview I fatally underprepared for. And sometimes they were the jobs I did get (but soon wished I hadn’t); the one stacking yoghurts in a warehouse, or the one making unwanted sales calls for eight hours a day until I vowed NEVER AGAIN!

Now, as a parent, I know it is hard to wish these things on my children. In truth I don’t. Day-to-day I want for them a life free of injury, rejection or setback. But I know, as I do so, that this may not truly be kind. Because it is in setbacks, adversity and in the cry of NEVER AGAIN that they will eventually find their way to who they are and how to best get there. It would seem we are meant to work our way up, bloodying our knees along the way. Thus, as parents, it is better to be the safety net rather than the parachute.

Dear reader, you may have guessed, but this is heading, in part, towards a plea to you, the mother or father of a cherished Harrodian child. We as teachers know that some of our lovely parents do not find themselves able to resist the urge to at once jump in when seeing their cherubic offspring confronted by difficulty, in hope of removing it or throwing themselves in its way. They will battle at once to contest any detention given, any low grade attained, any friendship issue causing bitter tears. We entirely understand that impulse… but we also believe that these same bumps in the road, if young people are granted space to experience, accept and learn from them, may well turn out to be invaluable. Our kids are not, ultimately, en route to an easy and entirely safe world, but to one where a few advance knocks will have stood them in good stead for those they receive when we’re not there to prevent it.

In my 8+ years at Harrodian, I have had the privilege to know a large number of young people I will never forget nor stop admiring. Some of them have been heroes. And in many cases, they’re the ones who battled through some truly tough stuff. The ones who were bereaved, who suffered mental or physical illness, whose parents divorced at the worst possible time.

I so respect those Harrodians who have stood face to face with the personal crises that could make or break them and who, in the end, ensured it was the former. Likewise, I tip my hat to those who have put in long, long hours with Learning Support… but who never used it as an excuse to lower their expectations. They are truly equipped to thrive outside these walls.

I’ve had a fortunate life, as will many Harrodians, but, perhaps inevitably, it’s been challenging at times. Ultimately, that’s been good for me and, when my kids in turn face adversity, I suspect it will be good for them too… just know I’ll be doing all I can to keep the channels of communication open (and high five to you if your child will talk to you about whatever they go through – that really is worth fighting for). So let’s try to trust them, the people they are and the people they will be, enough to stand aside when they’re feeling the pinch and allowing them to apply perhaps the most valuable of all life-skills: working it out for themselves.